On Tuesday, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced a proposal for a law that will purportedly prohibit the use of the “selfie” within the domestic borders of the United States. The law will extend to both Alaska and Hawaii.

However, in the U.S. held territories of Puerto Rico, Guam, the Virgin Islands, and American Samoa, only a more mild Federal program called “selfie rationing” will be enforced. Residents will be permitted to take gratuitous photos of themselves once per week, with each resident’s designated “selfie day” rotating so as not to create an overwhelming atmosphere on any one day.

President Obama mentioned that this rationing will be similar to the gas rationing during World War 2 and after the OPEC oil embargo in the 70s, with each resident of the territories receiving an A, B, C, D, E, F, or G sticker corresponding to their assigned day, which they are advised to stick to the front of their clothing to help prevent any mob violence that may result from selfie tension or the scientifically discovered, medically diagnosed selfious jealousous, which is, according to psychiatrists, most common among 13-17 year old females.

According to Dr. Dennis Brown, M.D., the constant flash of cell-phones in one’s face has been linked to spontaneous seizures in those who take selfies on an everyday basis, along with those exposed to “second-hand selfie”, which is a serious issue of its own.

The U.S. Congress had previously thrown around ideas for establishing designated selfies zones in the mainland U.S. to protect our citizens, especially the children, but ultimately determined that the practice was far too pervasive to be permitted at all. Boehner said, “We hope that rather than promoting tensions between our citizens, particularly the Republican and Democratic parties, which have divided over the issue, the selfie ban will eliminate much animosity in our society.”

The selfie began to make waves in the government this year after President Obama was photographed taking a selfie at the funeral of South African leader Nelson Mandela. Obama’s gesture was considered highly offensive and disrespectful by the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives, who voted to impeach him immediately. However, it was later revealed that the voting to impeach the president had been rigged by several notable Tea Party members (who shall remain nameless), and the Supreme Court ultimately voided the motion.

The selfie ban was then proposed by the Republican Party as the next best action if they could not impeach the president. It surprisingly gained ground with Democrats as well after strong medical evidence was revealed. Both Houses passed the bill with a 2/3 majority, and it moved to President Obama for his stamp of approval. Very guilty over being caught in that fateful selfie, Obama cooperated with Congress, enacting the bill into Law.

The ban will go into effect on May 1st of this year. Sorry kids, better move to Canada if you want to continue those daily selfies.