[Satire] SJUSD to Introduce 50 new Standardized Tests


Like this student, kids often agonize over all the standardized tests they are required to take.

The San Jose Unified School District announced today in a public statement that they plan to introduce 50 new standardized tests for all high school grades. “We’re looking to improve our students’ ability to perform pointless and mundane tasks while arbitrarily making them ‘more viable’ for college,” said the yet-to-be-named superintendent.

The new tests are a follow up the cancellation of the CAHSEE, and come in addition to the SAT, PSAT, ACT, CAASSP, and AP tests that students will be taking or have already taken. “We hope that the addition of these new tests will help keep students especially lethargic, as well as raise our student vegetation rates,” said the soon-to-be-selected superintendent.

Notable tests include: The FML test; which feature a 20 minute, 375 multiple choice question portion on Shakespearean parlance; the P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S. essay, wherein students are required to analyze a strand of hair in a 3-5 page dissertation; and the RYH test, which requires students to ram their heads into a wall while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

Each of these tests will be administered between the 21st of March and the 26th of March, averaging 10 tests per day. The unnamed superintendent concluded by saying: “Through these new tests, we believe that mediocrity in our schools will potentially decrease by a likely marginal but still possibly somewhat significant proportion.”