As a rising amount of students who are oblivious to statutory holidays show up to school on off days, especially at Lincoln, our school’s faculty have decided to create “Holiday School” as punishment.

Holiday School will focus on educating students about the importance of statutory holidays, as well as provide students with historical context. Each Holiday School will represent its respective holiday. For instance, the upcoming holiday being labor day, students will be forced to shovel gravel and pick rocks – prison style – while they are taught about the history of the holiday and its historical significance. Students who show up Veterans’ Day will be put in a historically accurate setting of any war from the War of Independence to Afghanistan. Those who show up on thanksgiving are planned to be put through the conditions the first Virginian settlers experienced and help farm Turkey for the duration of the holiday, including the weekend.

Students will also receive a grade based on their performance and holding to historical accurateness. Those who let the British win the War of Independence, for example, will receive a 0 on an assignment for 500 points for all classes. Those who pass get nothing, however.

Mr. Franz, the newly assigned Holiday School administrator is very excited to get the program started. “I’m really looking forward to helping students understand the importance of days like labor day as I whip them for not digging fast enough,” he continued: “I think getting shot at by Germans while in the trenches of France will really help them understand why going to school on a holiday is pointless and unnecessary.” As he was being interviewed, Mr. Franz was preparing some syphilis shots for those who would be re-enacting Thanksgiving.