January 9th, 2013

Sources confirmed on Wednesday that children and adolescents “these days” were actually being too social, and should actually be attempting to communicate less in real life.

“It’s not normal” Principal Hewitson remarked, “We can’t be allowing this level of interaction, or we risk producing good students by next year.” Mr. Hewitson then proceeded to yell at some students for exceeding the “5 seconds of talking sociably” rule, which was instigated by the superintendent just before the winter break.

Samuel Duncan parent, also noted: “I always knew something was up, when my kid (Brian Duncan) actually said “bye” to me when I dropped him off at school. That little bugger’s gonna get an earful when he gets home!” Duncan went on to chase after his son, whom was having what seemed to be leisurely conversation, an almost sacrilegious act. Brian was, in fact, given a much deserved earful.

Lisa Parla-un-Sacco, high school dropout, and professor of anti socialism, stated (In a rather abbreviated way) that: “Students of the current generation suffer from: “Post antisocial withdraw, or PAW for short.” “There is no definitive cure for PAW, we can only wait for a new treatment (a new social network) to present itself at some point.

Some residents of San Jose are taking action. Locking their children indoors, preventing all outside contact, closing the blinds, and more techniques are being used. A Myspace revival is also being planned.

When asked about the national increase in sociableness in children and adolescents, the President said that he would “Think about a declaring a state of emergency,” but would have to send out a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblir, Reddit, Google +, and Snap Chat posts inviting his younger attendees. “Admittedly,” he said “more people will come to the event than we actually invite, but we’ll still get the people we asked for.”

Mark Zuckerberg was among the many social network heads who had something to say: “I think I speak for all of us when I say, We told you so” Mark proceeded to do the “I told you so” dance in front of reporters. After collecting himself, he went to explain just how wrong we all were and that he was the best.

Not everyone, however, is viewing this as a bad thing. Guillmero Randra, psychiatrist thinks that this could be what we really need to “rediscover” the values of the old days. Following this, government officials broke through the door and asked us to leave, as Randra was in fact insane.

Finally, we asked the internet about what we should do, and are still awaiting a response, because everyone’s having a real conversation.

And so, with no other options, this reporter will stop writing this satire, and go on a wa…