It came as a shock when the EPA released a press conference on Tuesday, stating that Lincoln High School had become too clean and would be required to start littering starting on April 1st, 2014.

The EPA provided no other reason other than: “We don’t want to be out of a job, and a this rate, other institutions will start following this good example, nullifying our use”. Lincoln’s very own Mr. Alpers had this to say on the subject: “Hunh?”, after repeating this quote many times over, the astute Mr. Alpers burst out laughing, and finally, burst an organ and was rushed to the hospital.

Student’s have already embraced the harsh reality. “It’s not easy,” said one student, “but we’ll get through it”. Soon after, the same student, as any good Samaritan would have, began kicking down all the garbage cans on school grounds.

It won’t be easy for the fair students of Lincoln High School, but we’ll get through it.